Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
