Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
