yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
