Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
PANTIES FOUND
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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