Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
