you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
