I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
