I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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