How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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