I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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