No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
