My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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