My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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