I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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