My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
