as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
