I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
