You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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