last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
