My cat gives me a boner
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
