The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
