dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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