he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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