He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
