i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
