You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
