I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
