did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
