I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
