So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
