did you get engaged???
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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