The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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