there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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