Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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