i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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