these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
