if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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