how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
