I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
