I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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