I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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