New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
