Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
