i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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