I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
