considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
