i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
