I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
