got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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