I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
