I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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