God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
