put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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