my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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