There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
